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Lost in this Strange World



when I was a kid I thought I will figure out everything when I am younger, but apparently, that was just a childish dream of mine. I had thought by this age I would understand most things and would be able to make decisions about my life so easily. It is just so hard to make peace with the fact that I will never figure out everything and that I will always have doubts. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really am not. I understand that the life I am living right now is a dream for thousands of young people in my homeland. However, I am not happy. I just don't know why?

The reason for my unhappiness might be the people around me most of whom are impossible to understand. I work in a very prestigious international humanitarian organization but I don't like it here as much as I should. most of the people working here are insanely stupid and unbelievably arrogant. there is no teamwork. Every single department acts like an independent republic. No spirit of collaboration or cooperation. They just try to make an obstacle for someone whenever they can. I wish people were more detail-oriented and more supportive and most of all I wish that there was a culture of reward and punishment here. There are things that need to be changed and when I realize that I do not have the authority or the ability to bring those changes, it makes me unhappy. 

The reason for my unhappiness might be the instability of my job. Yes I have this great job but I do not know how long I would keep having it. With the Taliban and their ever-changing and stricter rules, it is hard to see my job on the horizon or any job for that matter. With the instability of the government and its biased towards international organizations, I am not sure I would be able to keep my job for long. Plus, there are not many opportunities for me to seize either. This is another reason for despair. 

There is also the matter of my higher education. By this time in my life, I wanted to have my master's degree but unfortunately, so far I have not even started it. Since the collapse of government 2 years ago I have been trying to get a passport but this seems as impossible as my leaving the country. Without a proper passport, I am not able to apply to any colleges for a master's degree. Earlier money was the biggest obstacle but now, fortunately, I have been able to save enough to travel abroad to pursue my dream. Sometimes I think I am rushing and that I will eventually get what I want but then again I think about how short our lives are and how much I have already lost, this makes me more nervous than anything else. I hope I get my passport as fast as possible so that I could start my preparations for leaving the country. I know getting Europe's visa is not a simple thing but I think I have enough money to pull this off. 

There is something more troubling to add on top of the reasons for my unhappiness. I still have not found "the one". All my friends are getting married or having kids while I still continue to live a bachelor's life. I wish I was living abroad so that I could date girls and have fun, but here those things are literally an impossibility. Sometimes when I am alone, I wonder about my future life partner, I mean who would be my destiny. Frankly, I don't think I will ever get married. I know myself well enough to understand that I am not a husband material and I most certainly do not have the potential to be a dad. I don't want to screw up my kid like my father did me. I am better off alone with myself living my uncertain life without any responsibilities whatsoever. Although sometimes I do wish of having someone in life, sometimes when I am lonely, in need of a companion. But then again those feelings do not last for long. 

Uncertainty was the one thing I hated the most when I was a kid but growing up I realized life is anything but certain. I hope someday I'll be able to make peace with this bitter fact. 

 



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