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Remorse




    I am sitting in my chair in the middle of the garden laying my feet to a wooden chair, holding my laptop in my lap. Birds are singing all around the parameter. Now that there is no traffic on the road and no student in the college their songs are vivid, very clear and kinda melody. Sky is cloudy and the weather is a little colder than what it is used to be at this time of the year.

    Today is not different from any other day. I woke up again with a sense of determination that today I will study hard and start preparation for my final papers. But haven't started yet, watched two movies, in between slept for a while, had lunch which was no so great by the way then came outside with my computer thinking that I should read the book which I started two days ago but after three pages got bored. I gotta tell you reading from a PDF file in your laptop is not such an easy thing to do. I have tried before but failed excessively now that no other option is available because of lockdown I had to give it another shot.

  Everyday day is the same, everyday I wanna start changing my life for better but every time I fail to do so. and this feeling of remorse everyday combines and make my body heavier than what it actually is. I wanted to do lots of stuff achieve lots of goals, realize a bunch of dreams. But I always lack the courage to take action. I feel like something or someone is holding me back and surprisingly for the life of me I could never figure out what that is?!

   These feelings of failure, guilt, remorse do me no good that make me self pity myself. Sometimes I get so angry on myself but how am I supposed to punish myself consciously? whereas I am being punished every second by my subconscious. I feel like I am trapped is some shitty hole and I have no idea about exit way. Truth be known I have tried everything but by far nothing worked although in some cases I had some triumph but not what I wanted,

   Sometimes you work you ass off to achieve something and you do not get after that something inside you dies like believing in your dreams or hard work to fulfill your destiny. At least in my case that was it. Apart from all failures and misery I have to add my medical condition too, I have had a very bad nick-ache for the last four and a half years. This pain never leaves my side I can't keep my head straight for a few minutes I have to hold it with my hands. It feels really really I can't even talk to anyone about this.

 I am still hopeful that one day I will wake up and change my life completely, fulfill all my dreams, do things I have always dreamed about, Make crazy adventures everyday, Love someone so much and at night when I get back to my bed not with remorse but gratitude for myself and for everything that I have while looking forward for tomorrow and it's adventures.




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