Skip to main content

Remorse




    I am sitting in my chair in the middle of the garden laying my feet to a wooden chair, holding my laptop in my lap. Birds are singing all around the parameter. Now that there is no traffic on the road and no student in the college their songs are vivid, very clear and kinda melody. Sky is cloudy and the weather is a little colder than what it is used to be at this time of the year.

    Today is not different from any other day. I woke up again with a sense of determination that today I will study hard and start preparation for my final papers. But haven't started yet, watched two movies, in between slept for a while, had lunch which was no so great by the way then came outside with my computer thinking that I should read the book which I started two days ago but after three pages got bored. I gotta tell you reading from a PDF file in your laptop is not such an easy thing to do. I have tried before but failed excessively now that no other option is available because of lockdown I had to give it another shot.

  Everyday day is the same, everyday I wanna start changing my life for better but every time I fail to do so. and this feeling of remorse everyday combines and make my body heavier than what it actually is. I wanted to do lots of stuff achieve lots of goals, realize a bunch of dreams. But I always lack the courage to take action. I feel like something or someone is holding me back and surprisingly for the life of me I could never figure out what that is?!

   These feelings of failure, guilt, remorse do me no good that make me self pity myself. Sometimes I get so angry on myself but how am I supposed to punish myself consciously? whereas I am being punished every second by my subconscious. I feel like I am trapped is some shitty hole and I have no idea about exit way. Truth be known I have tried everything but by far nothing worked although in some cases I had some triumph but not what I wanted,

   Sometimes you work you ass off to achieve something and you do not get after that something inside you dies like believing in your dreams or hard work to fulfill your destiny. At least in my case that was it. Apart from all failures and misery I have to add my medical condition too, I have had a very bad nick-ache for the last four and a half years. This pain never leaves my side I can't keep my head straight for a few minutes I have to hold it with my hands. It feels really really I can't even talk to anyone about this.

 I am still hopeful that one day I will wake up and change my life completely, fulfill all my dreams, do things I have always dreamed about, Make crazy adventures everyday, Love someone so much and at night when I get back to my bed not with remorse but gratitude for myself and for everything that I have while looking forward for tomorrow and it's adventures.




Comments

Post a Comment

Open to suggestions!

Popular posts from this blog

After a long time...

After a long time... It's been almost a month since I wrote something. Since then I do not think I have any posts. On June 25 the library stopped issuing books and since then I am stuck with my computer and myself. So far I have some Tv shows; some of them were incredibly interesting. But my favorite was The Blacklist.           I have been waiting for the final results to arrive since I don't know how long. A few days earlier the results of the eighth semester arrived. My CGP in it unbelievably was good or at least what I think it is. It was 7.58; FYI I have never had any CGP as high as this one. So obviously I was thrilled to see the results. But unfortunately, that was all that came. I have some re-appears whose results haven't arrived yet. I am impatiently waiting for them. After it will be clear when I will be leaving India. My visa will expire on 30th July so technically I have only another 18 days to stay here. After that my room will be taken away f...
Post a Comment
Read more

WISH I COULD TELL YOU by Dorjoy Datta

Wish_I_Could_Tell_You_by_Durjoy_Datta      This is my sixth Novel from Durjoy Datta, I started reading it almost two weeks ago. Then I started my next book "The forty rules of love" by Elif Shafak, I thought it would be more fun if I study both of simultaneously like a couple of pages from one and a couple of topics from other. But before I know it I finished  it completely. It was such an incredible story that I almost forgot the passing of time. I am not sure I had read even 5 pages of this when I was reading the earlier one.         So far I am in page 114/250. It is very shallow in compare to "The Forty Rules of Love". I hate the way these Indian novelist write English, Specially names and using entirely Hindi words in some places. It is super annoying. It did not bother me much in the past when I read a dozens of their Novels but now I guess it does. The best thing for me to do would be to stop reading entirely Novels wr...
Post a Comment
Read more

I am Still Here

  Frankly, I never thought I would be in Afghanistan even after three years of college graduation. By now I thought I'd be somewhere far off but sadly I am still here. I am not sure when I'd be able to leave. I am afraid if I stayed here for long I might not wanna leave. Plus I am getting older by each year. There is the matter of marriage also. I am not sure how much longer I can keep postponing it. I am not worried so much about the marriage though, still, it seems like I should start thinking about it. But then again marriage can wait but education can't.  I am thinking of starting my higher education online. With the Taliban and their unpredictable rules, getting a passport to travel abroad is not guaranteed. So online education is my only way forward. I am thinking of settling down here; if only I could find the right person. Marriage is a very tricky business, there is no margin for error. For now, I can start my online studies and after a year or two when I am close ...
Post a Comment
Read more